my awesome phone "no one cares what your phone can do"

On Saturdays, my phone likes to sit in a yard pretending to be a piece of gravel eating a fruit salad in a clown costume.  The fruit salad is in the clown costume.  The piece of gravel is wearing mittens.  At the end of the day, it pretends to be a hungry person eating steak.  Then it turns into a boa constrictor and watches the Late Night Movie.

In 1910 my phone walked into a dusty Mexican village and healed a leper and a blind man.  The blind man took my phone home to meet his mother.  The two courted for a time, but it soon became clear my phone was more interested in sandwiches than love, and they parted ways. The man joined the Zapatistas and was later wounded when his rifle misfired.  My phone wandered for 3 years and was sometimes known to sleep in an alley behind a bicycle shop in New Jersey.  The leper became a sushi chef.

Once upon a time my phone tried to join the circus as a trapeze artist, but ended up shoveling elephant dung and sleeping with the bearded lady. This went on for 13 years. Then one January a time-travelling dwarf appeared in the elephant cages wearing an expensive suit and singing like David Bowie. The elephants were inspired to rebellion and broke free of their cages. My phone slipped into a ditch while no one was looking. It hid for 3 days and 3 nights in the cold, but eventually hitched a ride to Las Vegas where it found work as cocktail waitress and occasional backup vocalist. It still dreams of the trapeze.

My phone and Christopher Columbus were lunching together on naan and palak paneer when an earthquake walked up to the table and slapped Columbus hard across the face. “My God, that’s it!”, he thought as blood leaped from his nose onto the dish. “My lunch!” yelped my phone, trembling and shaking an angry finger at the earthquake. “Don’t worry”, said Chris, “I know where to get more.”

In 1957 on a rainy day in France, my phone sneezed on a man who looked like Fidel Castro wearing a woolly hat.  The man was sitting astride a giraffe-shaped cushion and discussing paranormal existentialism with a yellow rain jacket.  My phone saluted him and smiled, then did the moon walk into a Lebanese cafe where it lunched on falafel and pickles.  It was the best falafel ever.

47 cats, 2 prize bulls, and my phone went on a road trip.  My phone was driving.  Half-way there the cats wanted ice cream.  My phone pulled into a Dairy Queen and all the cats got soft-serve.  The bulls ordered cheese burgers.  My phone beeped uncomfortably and one of the cats exploded.  The journey continued but no one talked very much after that.

One day my phone dressed up like a 3-legged dog and followed a circus clown to the laundromat.  The clown pretended not to notice and put his head in a front-loader to wash.  He left it there while he went to get bagels and a cappuccino.  My phone wagged it’s tail, then stole a Hawaiian shirt from a dryer and went to the movies.  It was a good day. 

10,000 years ago my phone woke up suddenly from a dream and started making pancakes. It wasn’t even hungry. Then a pack of wolves rushed in, pissed on the pancakes and drank all the beer. My phone hid in the pantry and nibbled on dry spaghetti until they left. Then it coughed up a hair ball and went back to sleep.

My phone walked into a bar and said to the bartender, “Can you call me a cab.” The bartender said, “You’re a cab.” My phone said, “Thanks, I needed that.” Then aliens landed in the parking lot and started selling grapefruit. When they were done my phone hitched a ride with them to Planet 9 and I’ve been frantically setting and unsetting the alarm on my digital watch ever since.